The good folks at Business Continuity Expo have chosen today to send out a press release listing what it calls “Top ten practical tips” for surviving the floods that are currently swamping coastal areas in the south, southwest and Wales. It includes things like “Ascertain the impact of both a potential loss of water and a loss of electricity on your business activities and respond accordingly” and “If key documents or IT servers are stored in the basement consider moving them to a higher floor”.

It’s not that the advice isn’t useful, it’s just that it’s a bit late, given that the storm started in the middle of last night. So here’s the FD top ten tips instead…

1 – Find out if your employees can swim. If not, give them the day off. Unless they work in credit control in which case give them a phone and make sure they get as much cash from customers as possible: you’re going to need it.

2 – Buy a boat. Preferably a small one that won’t get stranded as soon as the waters recede. Just big enough for you, your PA and - if you're feeling generous - your financial controller.

3 - Make sure there's a TV news crew around when you get flooded so there's lots of free publicity and public sympathy for your company.

4 – Make sure words such as “plucky”, “local heroes” and “Dunkirk spirit” are used in any media coverage.

5 – Attach a very large cork to your keys, mobile phone, etc. The kind of thing that yachtsmen use. A few champagne corks tied together ought to do the trick.

6 – Contact your local BMW dealer so that you’re first in the queue to get your flood-damaged company car replaced.

7 – Buy an OS map. Study it for possible relocation opportunities, either on higher ground or away from seas, oceans, rivers, lakes, etc.

8 – Consider outsourcing absolutely bloody everything to somewhere with a decent climate.

9 – Don’t make jokes about having plenty of liquid assets on the balance sheet. Nobody likes a smart-arse accountant when it’s peeing with rain.

10 - Learn the 10 top tips about surviving a flood before the flood hits, not in the morning right in the middle of the storm.